Film Review : X – Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

IMDB Score – 8.6
Rotten Tomato Score – 92%

Directed By – Bryan Singer
Starring – Hugh Jackman, James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Jennifer Lawrence, Ellen Page, Nicholas Hoult, Halle Berry, Shawn Ashmore, Evan Peters, and Peter Fucking Dinklage,/strong.

The X-Men send Wolverine to the past in a desperate effort to change history and prevent an event that results in doom for both humans and mutants.

Dear 15 year old girls who walked into our theater half way through our movie,

I hate you. I don’t know who the hell your parents are, but they did a horrible job raising you. They probably did drugs and had you watch because only in that environment would two people learn such evil. First of all, how the hell did you even pay for this film? It’s New York City so on top of the $13 ticket you had $4 for 3D and $2.50 for super awesome sound. That’s an almost 20 dollar ticket. You either snuck in or had your horrible parents drop you off with their drug money because it’s the only reason to explain your behavior. You obviously don’t like X-Men because you missed the entire first half of the movie and instead of trying to catch up on the insane plot, you immediately sat down and started…fighting? You were slapping each other and yelling for the other to get off you. What the hell? There was about 150 people in there that put up with your bullshit but I wasn’t having it and neither was the person with me. We saw through your bullshit. You sat down next to the wrong people motherfuckers. At first we just stared at you hoping our demon eyes would stop your bullshit, but no. You had to pull out your fucking cellphones. Who the hell watches youtube videos, in a theater, with 150 people who paid to see it? Did you think that our parents gave us drug money as well? That’s not how life works and I’m sorry for your future. I had enough and yelled at you to shut up, and you did, for twenty minutes. By that point I just had enough and blocked you out mentally just like your parents blocked the love from your lives in which turned you into horrible douchey 15 year old girls. You may have ruined some of my movie, but I won at the end of the day because I will grow up with a happy life.

Don’t procreate.

So, I had to get that out of the way. It just had to be said and I’m sorry for the bad language but this is my website and I’ll do what I want. Now, let me say that my only experience with the X-Men franchise has been the movies, which I’ve only seen once a piece, and the Sega Genesis game in which Gambit was my favorite character. Did they use Gambit in any of the films? Yes, once, in the worst film of all time. So, two years or so ago when the “reboot” happened I was reluctant to go but it ended up being a good film mostly due to the fact that I have a man crush on Michael Fassbender. The sequel to the reboot was one in the same, perfectly acceptable and entertaining.

Now I’m not even going to try to re explain the plot. The whole first ten minutes of the film was spent by me trying to figure out what the fuck was going on and I wasn’t the only one in the theater to be in that situation. Various excalmations of “Huh?” “What?” and “Wait…wha?” were heard from the crowd. Slowly it started to take shape in my brain and I was able to enjoy the film. I’ll just explain a few things that the IMDB plot I ripped off doesn’t. Time Travel. Crazy future robots. Tyrion Lannister mustache. Drug addict Prof. X. Portal Girl. There you go, that’s the beginning of the film. What followed next was a serious genre flick that had very few holes and a lot of awesome shit to see.

I can’t tell you how long it took me to get over Peter Dinklage’s mustache in the film. I don’t know who decided to cast him as the “villain” but whoever did deserves a raise. I have no idea whether his character is an actual character in the Marvel universe and if he’s a midget but the use of Dinklage was just awesome. He’s my favorite part of Game of Thrones and any chance to see him on the big screen is amazing. I don’t think I’ve gotten over the mustache though. I laughed every time he came on screen for the first hour and I think I may have snickered for the second. Dinklage was great though. Seriously though, look at his fucking mustache…

I know. I’m twelve.

So along with the normal crowd of mutants, the film introduced us to possible the best one of all not named Magneto. Evan Peters plays Quicksilver in the film and I’ll be writing Marvel a letter urging them to make a film just about him. His parts in the film were my favorite of the whole movie. Without giving too much away, the jailbreak scene was one of the funniest and mesmerizing action scenes I’ve ever seen. The effects were gorgeous, the payoff was brilliant, and the gags were earned and not forced. Brilliant stuff there. I was disappointed that we didn’t get to see Quicksilver much after that though. He’s a great character and Evan Peters played him perfectly.

Hugh Jackman basically is Wolverine and one of the greatest casting choices of all time so I don’t have to explain why he was awesome in this movie. The other two leads, Magneto and Prof. X, played by four people, were also top notch, highlighted by the younger two of the four. I love Ian Mckellen, but Michael Fassbender is a much more frightening Magneto. Every time he is one screen I feel somebody is going to get hurt. He has the most control over his powers and when he uses them you actually feel hopeless. That is a seriously evil trait to possess. I’m not a big Prof. X fan but James McAvoy knows how to act and act he did. I thought he did a fantastic job. The old fellas did well although the film had a lack of Mckellen which disappointed me. It was one of the movies few faults.

Speaking of faults, there really weren’t many to seriously downgrade the film and the few there were have already been mentioned. I wish there was more time with all of the characters and the only reason there wasn’t was because the plot was really complex which left little room for fun. I’m not a huge comic book nerd so I go to these movies for fun. There just could have been a little bit more but it certainly didn’t detract from the film. It’s a great action film and really lifted the superhero genre back to its feet after the Thor movies failed to impress me and since the debacle of Iron Man 2. I’ll look forward to the next installment, hopefully with more Dinklage, but there won’t be.

That fucking mustache.

4.5/5

Suggested Viewing – The Avengers, Peter Dinklage in anything, Hugh Jackman naked




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Film Review – Trance (2013)

IMDB Score – 6.9
Rotten Tomato Score – 68%

Directed By – Danny Boyle
Starring – James McAvoy, Vincent Cassel, Rosario Dawson, and Danny Sapini

An art auctioneer who has become mixed up with a group of criminals, partners with a hypnotherapist in order to recover a lost painting.

You know I don’t think I’ve ever seen a film with Vincent Cassel where he didn’t play a slimy criminal. I’m sure there are some that exist but he is probably one of the most typecast actors working today. I guess it helps that he does it so well but come on. I want to see him in like a nice comedy with Rob Schneider. Wouldn’t that be nice? Okay, I’ve gone to far. I’m sorry. He plays a criminal in Trance and along with his cohorts, bullies poor James McAvoy into trying to remember where he hid a painting he helped steal after a bout of amnesia. You with me? I’m not even with me. The film ended up being chore to get through as I repeatedly caught myself hitting the pause button in order to get a snack or play with my dog. Luckily for me, Danny Boyle directed the film which at least left me with some serious film eye candy.

What I liked…

As I just said, Danny Boyle is a stylish mo-fo. The film was pretty dazzling all the way through. Deep reds. Dark blues and pastels. It’s a colorful film. Danny has always been this way though. He masterfully captured India in Slumdog Millionaire and delicately captured space in Sunshine. I mean, this is an Oscar winning director here. I’m always impressed with his work. I also really liked the acting from James McAvoy. He gave a gritty performance reminiscent of The Last King of Scotland. I like it better when he keeps his natural Scottish accent. It’s more, I don’t know, gritty. I like that word. Unfortunately these are the only two things that I particularly really liked. Cassel’s performance was average(Although there is an awesome scene that involves his face in this one) and the script had interesting moments. However…

What I didn’t like…

The script was thinner than a piece of thin cheese…or something equally thin…YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. This is a complicated film with twists and turns and backstabbing and revealed truths and it all seemed to be held together with scotch tape. I mean, we were presented with a finished product at the end but a product that was barely standing up because it’s structure was so weak when being made. Information and plot twists are shoved in our face as if the film is saying “SEE? THIS IS WHAT REALLY HAPPENED! FOOLED YOU!” Like I said in the intro, I would pause to go do something else for a few minutes while I tried to grasp what the hell just happened. I’m also not a fan of blatant lines of dialogue that make absolutely no sense only to be explained later on in the film. It’s a cheap way to create plot twists and really comes off as tacky. Subtlety is a very useful tool in film for when you want to make somebody go “OH, THAT’S WHAT THAT MEANT!” Trance kind of forced you to think that by cheap writing tricks. Not impressed. Also, Rosario Dawson is horrible in this. Horrible. I won’t go as far as saying she’s a horrible actress, but the notion is definitely being explored by myself. She was a distraction in many ways in this film, but when the main reason is horrible acting, that isn’t a good sign.

So, what have we learned? Trance is a film that tries WAY to hard to be a plot serpent. It twists and it turns so much that the value of what actually is happening is lost. It is however a pretty gorgeous film made by a talented man in Danny Boyle.

2.5/5