Film Review : X – Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

IMDB Score – 8.6
Rotten Tomato Score – 92%

Directed By – Bryan Singer
Starring – Hugh Jackman, James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Jennifer Lawrence, Ellen Page, Nicholas Hoult, Halle Berry, Shawn Ashmore, Evan Peters, and Peter Fucking Dinklage,/strong.

The X-Men send Wolverine to the past in a desperate effort to change history and prevent an event that results in doom for both humans and mutants.

Dear 15 year old girls who walked into our theater half way through our movie,

I hate you. I don’t know who the hell your parents are, but they did a horrible job raising you. They probably did drugs and had you watch because only in that environment would two people learn such evil. First of all, how the hell did you even pay for this film? It’s New York City so on top of the $13 ticket you had $4 for 3D and $2.50 for super awesome sound. That’s an almost 20 dollar ticket. You either snuck in or had your horrible parents drop you off with their drug money because it’s the only reason to explain your behavior. You obviously don’t like X-Men because you missed the entire first half of the movie and instead of trying to catch up on the insane plot, you immediately sat down and started…fighting? You were slapping each other and yelling for the other to get off you. What the hell? There was about 150 people in there that put up with your bullshit but I wasn’t having it and neither was the person with me. We saw through your bullshit. You sat down next to the wrong people motherfuckers. At first we just stared at you hoping our demon eyes would stop your bullshit, but no. You had to pull out your fucking cellphones. Who the hell watches youtube videos, in a theater, with 150 people who paid to see it? Did you think that our parents gave us drug money as well? That’s not how life works and I’m sorry for your future. I had enough and yelled at you to shut up, and you did, for twenty minutes. By that point I just had enough and blocked you out mentally just like your parents blocked the love from your lives in which turned you into horrible douchey 15 year old girls. You may have ruined some of my movie, but I won at the end of the day because I will grow up with a happy life.

Don’t procreate.

So, I had to get that out of the way. It just had to be said and I’m sorry for the bad language but this is my website and I’ll do what I want. Now, let me say that my only experience with the X-Men franchise has been the movies, which I’ve only seen once a piece, and the Sega Genesis game in which Gambit was my favorite character. Did they use Gambit in any of the films? Yes, once, in the worst film of all time. So, two years or so ago when the “reboot” happened I was reluctant to go but it ended up being a good film mostly due to the fact that I have a man crush on Michael Fassbender. The sequel to the reboot was one in the same, perfectly acceptable and entertaining.

Now I’m not even going to try to re explain the plot. The whole first ten minutes of the film was spent by me trying to figure out what the fuck was going on and I wasn’t the only one in the theater to be in that situation. Various excalmations of “Huh?” “What?” and “Wait…wha?” were heard from the crowd. Slowly it started to take shape in my brain and I was able to enjoy the film. I’ll just explain a few things that the IMDB plot I ripped off doesn’t. Time Travel. Crazy future robots. Tyrion Lannister mustache. Drug addict Prof. X. Portal Girl. There you go, that’s the beginning of the film. What followed next was a serious genre flick that had very few holes and a lot of awesome shit to see.

I can’t tell you how long it took me to get over Peter Dinklage’s mustache in the film. I don’t know who decided to cast him as the “villain” but whoever did deserves a raise. I have no idea whether his character is an actual character in the Marvel universe and if he’s a midget but the use of Dinklage was just awesome. He’s my favorite part of Game of Thrones and any chance to see him on the big screen is amazing. I don’t think I’ve gotten over the mustache though. I laughed every time he came on screen for the first hour and I think I may have snickered for the second. Dinklage was great though. Seriously though, look at his fucking mustache…

I know. I’m twelve.

So along with the normal crowd of mutants, the film introduced us to possible the best one of all not named Magneto. Evan Peters plays Quicksilver in the film and I’ll be writing Marvel a letter urging them to make a film just about him. His parts in the film were my favorite of the whole movie. Without giving too much away, the jailbreak scene was one of the funniest and mesmerizing action scenes I’ve ever seen. The effects were gorgeous, the payoff was brilliant, and the gags were earned and not forced. Brilliant stuff there. I was disappointed that we didn’t get to see Quicksilver much after that though. He’s a great character and Evan Peters played him perfectly.

Hugh Jackman basically is Wolverine and one of the greatest casting choices of all time so I don’t have to explain why he was awesome in this movie. The other two leads, Magneto and Prof. X, played by four people, were also top notch, highlighted by the younger two of the four. I love Ian Mckellen, but Michael Fassbender is a much more frightening Magneto. Every time he is one screen I feel somebody is going to get hurt. He has the most control over his powers and when he uses them you actually feel hopeless. That is a seriously evil trait to possess. I’m not a big Prof. X fan but James McAvoy knows how to act and act he did. I thought he did a fantastic job. The old fellas did well although the film had a lack of Mckellen which disappointed me. It was one of the movies few faults.

Speaking of faults, there really weren’t many to seriously downgrade the film and the few there were have already been mentioned. I wish there was more time with all of the characters and the only reason there wasn’t was because the plot was really complex which left little room for fun. I’m not a huge comic book nerd so I go to these movies for fun. There just could have been a little bit more but it certainly didn’t detract from the film. It’s a great action film and really lifted the superhero genre back to its feet after the Thor movies failed to impress me and since the debacle of Iron Man 2. I’ll look forward to the next installment, hopefully with more Dinklage, but there won’t be.

That fucking mustache.


Suggested Viewing – The Avengers, Peter Dinklage in anything, Hugh Jackman naked

Film Review : The Counselor (2013)

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IMDB Score – 5.5
Rotten Tomato Score – 34%

Starring – Michael Fassbender, Cameron Diaz, Penelope Cruz, Javier Bardem, Brad Pitt, Bruno Ganz, Rosie Perez, and Edgar Martinez
Directed By – Ridley Scott

A lawyer finds himself in over his head when he gets involved in drug trafficking.

Earlier last year I wrote about how excited I was that this film was even happening. The cast, aside from Cameron Diaz, was fantastic. I am a Ridley Scott apologist. I thought “Prometheus” was a gorgeous film and although it was written by a man who should have no business in science fiction, I thought the film did space horror justice. The film boasted one of my favorite authors at the helm of the screenplay. I have enjoyed everything Cormac McCarthy has ever written and was excited for his first work written directly for the screen. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG GUYS?

Everything. Everything went wrong.

This was one of the most pretentious pieces of hot garbage I have ever seen. It was like Ridley Scott found a pile of shit in the middle of the room, found out who made it, denied it was a pile of shit, and threw glitter on it. How is that image doing for you? I’m actually proud of that analogy. It is fitting to what this film ended up being. So we have a lawyer played by Michael fucking Fassbender. This lawyer decides to get into the drug trade and then I honestly don’t understand what the hell happens next. Actually, if I had not read the synopsis before watching the film I would have had no idea what was happening during the entire two hour run length. This is not to say that I don’t enjoy films that make no sense. Those films however know what they’re aiming for and try to present it in a unique and experimental fashion. This films plays like McCarthy watched a Tarantino film and decided he was going to write one and use much bigger words. I love the mans writing but this was just a huge failure in trying to be profound and philosophical. NOBODY TALKS THE WAY ANYBODY IN THIS FILM TALKS. The last line was spoken by Cameron Diaz and she used the word “famished”. She wasn’t even being ironic. It was like a high school drama student was trying to sound cool on facebook. I’m just completely surprised by how bad the entire film was.

That isn’t to say there weren’t a few stylish elements I enjoyed. For one, Ridley Scott is just a natural behind teh camera and I enjoyed the colors portrayed in the film. There are also two very entertaining scenes that involve wire and Cameron Diaz fucking a car.

Yes. I just said that. I’m sorry if I ruined it for you but there is no way in hell I’m not talking about this. Cameron Diaz fucked an automobile. The term “catfish” was used in the film to describe what such an experience would be like. I vomited in my bed. Cameron Diaz owes me new sheets.

Let’s elaborate on Cameron Diaz for a moment. Why was she cast in this film. Her character is supposed to be ARGENTINIAN. Does she look Argentinian? Does she sound even remotely Argentinian? That must have been one hell of a blow job she gave to the casting director because that’s the only way that untalented woman got this job. Actually, that could probably be said for most of her career. I’m so glad that she didn’t end up doing what she always ends up doing, ruining good films. Her involvement in this was just an extra piece of lunacy added on to a debacle of a movie. Penelope Cruz was underused and had horrible lines given to her which she delivered with a subtle hint of “am I really saying this?” Javier Bardem decided to do this just so he could have his hair styled like that. I have know idea what he said in the film because of his outrageous blow out haircut. Brad Pitt played the same character he always plays, in the same voice, with the same everything.

Why did this have to happen. It was like the entire production company set us up for something brilliant and then delivered us a failure pile with a party hat on it and a note saying “Suck it population!”. I feel bad for people who paid to see this.

Let me summarize this who thing before I write Netflix a letter asking them why they didn’t email saying “NO PLEASE DON’T” when they saw I had this movie in my queue. The film was a mechanical pretentious slob of pseudo philosophical drivel. That sentence was brought to you by the Thesaurus. The same thesaurus that Cormac McCarthy used to construct 90% of the dialogue in this film. It had a few entertaining scenes. I believe a mentioned a car being slobbered on by an old untalented vagina. It was not entertaining enough though to hold even the slightest of my attention and I would like my two hours back. Oh, an there were Cheetahs in this films that were treated like both horses and house cats. I feel violated.


Recommended ViewingBaby Geniuses

Film Review : 12 Years a Slave (2013)

IMDB Score – 8.3
Rotten Tomato Score – 96%

In the antebellum United States, Solomon Northup, a free black man from upstate New York, is abducted and sold into slavery.

Directed by Steve McQueen
Starring : Chiwetel Ejiofor, Paul Giamatti, Michael Fassbender, Benedict Cumberbatch, Paul Dano, Brad Pitt, Sarah Paulson, Lupita Nyong’o, and Adepero Oduye

“…and they STILL won’t let us shop at Barney’s!”

This was the exclamation of an elderly gentleman to the theater as the credits began to roll and he started his way out of the theater. It’s been a 150 years but the sting of slavery still has a lasting effect on our society no matter how hard we try to douse it in petrol fuel and light it on fire. There isn’t any forgetting what heinous and unspeakable things human beings did to one another back then. All we can do is try to understand what happened and how it can never happen again. 12 Years a Slave for me was a window into what happened all those years ago. It was a raw viewing experience as there ever was and completely unapologetic to people it may offend. The offenses on the screen are what should be apologized for and it is an important film to see.

Steve McQueen burst onto the scene with Hunger, a film about Bobby Sands and his hunger strike in a Northern Irish prison. The film dealt with standing up for what you believe in even when facing a slow and painful death. McQueen utilized some of the best uses of unbroken camera work I’ve ever seen which includes a twenty plus minute take with star Michael Fassbender and Liam Cunningham. His next film Shame, also starring Fassbender, dealt with the subject of addiction and how it can infest a person to the point of near madness. The film also showcased McQueen’s natural talent behind the camera as we were taken through the streets of New York City in an un-blinking fashion. 12 Years a Slave is McQueen’s tour de force film. Even with a minimal budget, the film feels like culmination of years behind the camera. There are many scenes in this film that show the brutality of slave owners. They are hard to watch and continue longer than they should but this is not a negative. McQueen is forcing us to watch what happened back then. There was no cut scene when somebody is getting lashed within one inch of their life and there is no cut scene here. 12 Years a Slave is a force that will open your eyes whether you like it or not. It really is important cinema.

The acting is also something to be grateful for. In my mind there are definitely two, possibly three performances that will be recognized come awards season. Chiwetel Ejiofor leads this film. He is in nearly every scene and the emotion on his face never leaves or lets us catch our breath. Michael Fassbender is an animal. There is no doubt in my mind that he is going to be one of the best actors of our time. He unleashes such hate and evil from his character that even though I wanted to smash in his face the entire time, I still couldn’t take my eyes off him. Lupita Nyong’o is the darkhorse. She didn’t didn’t do it quietly but she gave one of the more emotionally powerful performances from a small but important character. All three were fantastic and real.

I guess the only negative thing I could really say about this film is that the story was a bit lacking. It didn’t carry the film like the performances or theme did. I understand it was a true story but I was more horrified and enthralled by what I was seeing then wondering where it was going to all end up. It was a small negative from and overall excellent film that is going to be required viewing for years to come as we advance as a society.


October Watch List

I need to write more on this site other thank film reviews and a few trailers so I’m going to make an effort to make this a monthly thing. These are all films to be released in October that should require your viewing. Some will be lower budget films but there’s going to be some bigger name films on here as well. It’s autumn, which means films are going to start coming out that will be featured in this year Academy Awards. It should also give you an idea or blueprint if you will of what to see in the next 30 days.

October 4th

By now you’ve heard that Alfonso Cuarón, visionary director and overall awesome dude, is coming out with his first film in six years. It’s about damn time. Children of Men is a marvel of a film. Even if you don’t like the story or found the ending to be a bit weak, there is no doubt in the wonder of the direction Cuarón displayed in that film. I’m going to be watching “Y Tu Mamá También” this week in preparation. It’s a film he received his first Oscar nomination for original screenplay. If this film is as good as the early reviews claim then I think he might be getting some more award recognition come March.

October 11th

The film recently received a standing ovation at the New York Film Festival. That’s a good sign. The film covers the real life event of a American kidnapping at sea by Somali pirates. The film will feature real Somali actors and supposedly Tom Hanks’s strongest role of his career. I’m not sure about that last statement as I can’t imagine him outdoing what he gave in Cast Away. The film is also directed by Paul Greengrass who gave us two Bourne movies, United 93, and the criminally under seen Bloody Sunday.

October 11th

The film is going to be interesting. Film in Disneyland and Disneyworld without their permission, it’s a film that as described by the trailer probably won’t ever happen again. For that reaso alone I’m going to seek this out and watch it. I love unique films and this is going to be one of the most unique films ever created just due to how it was filmed.

October 16th

I’m a big Dane Dehaan fan. I think the kid has some serious acting chops and while Harry Potter is also in this (I wasn’t to fond of this last film Woman in Black because frankly he was horrible) it should be an interesting look at the true story of murder within the beatnik generation. Plus Michael C. Hall is in this and the dude is great as…wait, WAS great as Dexter.

October 18th

There really isn’t much to be said about this film. Steve McQueen who gave us Shame and Hunger casts his best friend and best actor working today Michael Fassbender in this film about the life of Solomon Northup, a free man who was abducted and sold into slavery. It’s going to be powerful. It’s going to be gut wrenching. It’s going to be amazing. Expect an Oscar nomination for Chiwetel Ejiofor.

October 18th

Nothing but Robert Redford for 100 minutes as he tries to survive at see after his boat wrecks? Sign me up. I love Robert Redford and am glad to see him back to starring in hopefully great cinema. This is also J.C Chandler’s follow up to his Oscar nominated Margin Call. Should be great.

October 25thRidley Scott finally has a great writer to team up with his unique style of direction. Cormac McCarthy writes this film that also stars Michael Fassbender and features Javier Bardem in another film where has had a flat out horrible haircut. I sear every time he plays a villain he has a horrible haircut. Hopefully Cameron Diaz doesn’t ruin this with her horrible acting.

Film Review : World War Z (2013)

IMDB Score : 7.3
RT Score : 68%

This movie was ass.

I realized in the opening credits that I wasn’t going to like this movie. Why?

Screenplay by Damon Lindelof.

Mr. Lindelof, I applaud you for trying. I really do. You have a great job where you get to write about whatever pops into you head in order to bring it to million for enjoyment. Now I need you to stop. Please stop. I understand that you didn’t write this alone but you had part in it and that’s why I’m mad at you.

Cowboys and Aliens. Shit
Prometheus. Shit, albeit visually stunning and acted wonderfully by Michael Fassbender and Naomi Rapace.
Star Trek : Into Darkness. Shit
World War Z. Shit

Stop it.

Now that I’m done sounding like a jerk, let me explain a few things. Zombie movies have been being made for over forty years. In that span we have seen some brilliant ones (Dawn of the Dead, Return of the Dead) and some not so brilliant (Anything Romero has done since and this film). It confuses me so much that after forty years and a flat out amazing book by Max Brooks that a zombie movie with such a huge budget could turn out so flat and empty. By the way, I went into this film completely erasing my memory of the book. The two are two different mediums and entities. I am in no way pissed off that the movie was nothing like the book. I expected it. I did not however expect a script that seemed like it was written by a fourteen year old who just saw the remake of Dawn of the Dead for the first time. The film had no drive, no character development, and no point. They were here and a bad thing happened so now we’re here. Why? I don’t have any clue. There was no actual explanation for many of the actions, just simple statements of intent. This is a problem that Mr. Lindelof has. He has an idea and wants so bad to get to the finish line that he forgets to give the script any meat in the middle. I could have walked out and came back in an hour and not have missed much. They didn’t go into how zombies work. They didn’t explain it really at all. Zombies are intricate beings that can be explained in a few simple statements and none of them were made in this film. I could have been told they all had a bad case of strep throat and it would have been just as believable. I was just very disappointed.


There is a scene on an airplane. A zombie comes and decides to ruin shit in the coach area. Nobody in first class seems to be aware that just behind them is a screaming pack of animals trying to fend off a screaming pack of animals. It’s chaos. Brad Pitt wakes up from a stupid nightmare he’s having and thinks something is wrong. It is not until he reaches the THIN PAPER OF A DIVIDER between first class and coach that it’s apparent that there is savage murder happening. I want to know where to get that curtain because apparently it blacks out sound better than an airlock at NASA.


Now for the zombies. I hate fast zombies. They’re completely ass backwards to what zombies are supposed to be. Even in their own right they just look stupid. The fact that this movie is PG-13 and that a heavy dose of CGI was used 100% of the time didn’t help matters. They were laughable at times. The theater laughed at them. This is not the desired effect that zombies should have on the viewer. It’s a shame. I actually feel sad because I don’t know if I’m going to see a true to science zombie for quite some time.

I hope I don’t sound like an ass because I really wanted to like this movie. The first twenty minutes were actually pretty enjoyable but the whole thing just took a nosedive and ended up being a bore and a chore to get through. The end of the film was just so weak and anticlimactic. Hell, it didn’t even make much sense but I won’t spoil the fun. There’s no reason to pay twelve dollars to see this film. Wait until it comes out on DVD and only watch it when you have nothing else better to watch or you’re doing your taxes. This is the only way your time will not be wasted.